~~~~~

Kathryn Janeway sat on the floor in the middle of her room, her knees tucked under her chin. She didn't answer her doorbell.

Chakotay saw her on the floor like that and rushed over to her. His eyes were full of concern and compassion; hers were full of pain and sadness. Chakotay saw this. He pulled her into his arms, holding her close. Kathryn began to sniffle. When Chakotay kissed the top of her head, she began to bawl into his chest.

Now he knew something was seriously wrong. The only time she had every cried like this was after she had attempted suicide 2 years ago. Having no clue what could possibly hurt his best friend – and lover – so much, he just held her tighter, and slowly rubbed her back until her sobs subsided.

"You gonna tell me what’s wrong?" She nodded, not yet having her voice back. Chakotay wiped away her tears. He looked into her eyes and saw the pain and fear clearer than he ever had before. "Gods, Kathryn. What is it?"

"It’s coming back, Chakotay. I can feel it. I’m having dreams, about Daddy. He’s leaving, and I’m crying for him to come back and make it all better, make it all go away. To hold me and tell me it will all be okay. But he keeps walking away. And I can feel it. I’ve been through this before – more than just that time 2 years ago – and I know what I’m talking about. I’m a fighter, and I fought it as long as I could, and as long as I could wasn’t enough last time. But, Chakotay. What happens if the fight goes away and I’m to exhausted from the fight to dig for it?"

Hearing his soulmate talk like this – and knowing it was all true – was too much for Chakotay. Tears were silently coursing down his face as well as hers. He gathered as much composure as he could and said "Kathryn. First off, I love you, and I will never let anything like that happen to you again. Second, the fight will never be gone from you; there’s a lot of it. And if you feel the fight is gone, I’ll help you dig for it. Last, I may not be your father, but I can still hold you, and tell you it will all be okay. I can’t make it all go away, but I can tell you that I am here for you and when you’re with me, I won’t let anything happen to you, and I’ll beat back any monster that tries to hurt my Kathryn."

Kathryn waited a bit, still crying. Then, finding the words, smiled beneath the tears. "Did you…make that up off the top of your head?"

"Yes."

"I’m keeping you."

"Kathryn, thanks, but be serious. If you really believe that the depression is coming back, you have to fight it on your own; I can’t do it for you. When it gets tough, I can help you through it, but I can’t fight your fight. And – don’t try to kill yourself this time."

"I won’t. Promise." They sat there for what seemed to both of them to be an eternity. Chakotay was leaning against Kathryn’s couch, Kathryn’s head against his chest, his hands were clasped around her stomach, and she intertwined hers with his. Apart from Kathryn turning out the lights, they sat in silence. Finally, Chakotay spoke.

"What has you so afraid, Kathryn? Sometimes I look over at you on the bridge, and I see a scared little girl." He felt Kathryn begin to cry again.

"I don’t know – my demons, I suppose. They follow me everywhere, everybody has them. They are things I’ve done wrong in life, people who have died under my watch, and all they want is to be free. They can only be freed if I willingly end my own life."

"So you attempted suicide 2 years ago to free a bunch of angry imaginary demons?" Chakotay sounded a bit more than angry. Kathryn flipped over to look him in the eyes. Starlight glinted off her wet eyes (which pierced his coldly with anger) and tear stained cheeks.

"No. You obviously don’t have them. They’re always there, in my head, pointing out every mistake, linking every crewmember injury or death back to me, always telling me how worthless I am. And I’m scared because I’m afraid I’ll begin to listen to and believe them, and they’ll push me that far again and again until I succeed. After all that I’ve done, all that I’ve seen. I don’t want to lose that," she rested her cheek on his chest and whispered, "I don’t want to lose you."