Title: Nine of Swords
Author: Sara
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: *closes eyes and repeats "They are mine, they are mine, they are mine* *opens one eye* Damn. They still belong to paramount
Note: The Nine of Swords in the Tarot Deck is a woman sitting up in bed, holding her head, with nine swords over her, alternating in direction horizontally. Utter desolation card. It means Death, failure, miscarriage, delay, deception, disappointment, despair, nightmares. Reversed (upside down): Imprisonment, suspicion, doubt, fear and shame. (I had this one too)
Timeframe: Same as the other one (read it first). Summer repeats before Night and season 5.
Note #2: This actually did happen to me, but I’m better now J it would be advisable to read Eight of Swords first.

Stop it, Kathryn. Stop it. Nonononononononononono. You can’t let this happen to you again. You can’t. You know how close to the edge you were when Daddy and Justin died. You can’t let yourself get that close again. Too many people need you.

FUCK THOSE PEOPLE!! Alright? Please, I’m suffering enough here. Just let a plasma surge suddenly come out of my replicator and kill me. Honestly, that’s all I want anymore. Just plain and simple death. All if it will end. The hell, being stuck out here in this bloody godawful quadrant, and it’s all my fault we’re out here anyway. If I hadn’t been so martyring and wonderful and saved the Ocampa, I’d be home now. It’s like that dumb sign my next-door neighbour my freshman year at the academy had on her door (until someone made him take it down) "If you lived here, you’d be home now."

Kathryn. Rationalize here. Your entire crew needs you here. You can’t be selfish and go off and kill yourself.

I never understood this. How is suicide selfish? The world and the universe hate you, nothing is coming your way, and you can’t seem to find any other way out. What else would the rational person do…hmm?

You don’t realize that you can get help, my dear. And there is help. Talk to Chakotay about this, he loves you so much. If you killed yourself, he would be devastated.

And how would Chakotay understand? He didn’t see his father and his fiancee killed in front of him, when he tried to save them, did he? I didn’t think so.

No, but his entire family was killed on Dorvan 5, remember?

Damn. Why are you always right? I’m still going to do this, you know. With or without your cooperation.

Whatever happened to the part of you that didn’t want to do this? Did that go away? No, I’m still here. And Kathryn, I won’t let you do it. In order to committ suicide, you need every single cell in your body wanting to die, and I don’t want to die. I don’t want YOU to die.

I don’t care what you think. Honestly. I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore.

Go to hell, Kathryn.

How can I go someplace I already am? I’ve been living in sheer hell for 6 months. And I want out, and I’m going to get out. I’m getting out fast. And I’m getting out now. There is no more for me here, do you understand that?

I picked up my phaser on my sidearm.

"Tuvok to Commander Chakotay. Phaser fire in the Captain’s quarters."