Title: Ten of Swords
Author: Sara
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: *closes eyes and repeats "They are mine, they are mine, they are mine* *opens one eye* Damn. They still belong to paramount
Note: The Ten of Swords in the Tarot Deck is a picture of a person, lying down, pierced by ten long swords. It means death, pain, affliction, tears, sadness, and desolation. This one is nowhere near going to be reversed.
Timeframe: Same as the other ones (read them first). Summer repeats before Night and season 5.
Note #2: Based on my experiences, but I’m quite a bit better now, thank you very much. It would be advisable to read Eight of Swords and Nine of Swords first.

I don’t remember what happened after I fired the phaser, I know it just knocked me out and over. All I know is that I woke up in Sickbay (the Doctor told me it was three days after I did it), with Chakotay asleep by my side, holding my hand, and his face stained with tears.

I groaned, Gods my head hurt, and the Doctor took it as a sign that I was awake.

"Nice of you to join us again, Captain."

"Shut up, Doc. Why couldn’t you just leave me there and let me die?"

"We’ll talk about that later," I started to cut him off, but he stopped me. "Now, you are going back to your quarters, with Commander Chakotay to supervise you, and you are going to talk to him. Understand?"

I gritted my teeth. "Fine." Chakotay was awake by now, and greeted me with a smile. "At least someone around here knows how to greet someone who just shot herself with a phaser on level 8."

"Can we go, Doctor."

"Yes. Don’t leave her alone, though. Once they try it once, and it doesn’t work, they generally try it again."

The two of us left Sickbay and headed to my quarters. When we got inside, and the doors closed, Chakotay wrapped his arms around me in a hug. It took me by surprise at first, but then I realized how much I needed it, and held his waist tightly. It didn’t take long for the tears to come.

Chakotay quietly and softly led me over to my couch where he held me, still crying, until it subsided into soft shudders. "Thanks," I whispered. He kissed the top of my head gently.

"Any time."

I started talking. "I just couldn’t take it anymore, you know? I was so depressed, things weren’t working for me at all, I don’t know what triggered it again, it just happened. All I wanted to do was get out. And I tried, but something in me said to only set the phaser on 7. I was so afraid that it would come to this again, and I didn’t want to do it, really I didn’t, but there wasn’t any other way out." I was crying again.

"Again?"

"When Daddy and Justin died, I stayed in bed for weeks on end, depressed, lonely, and feeling guilty for letting them die. All I wanted to do was die and go be with them. I didn’t have the energy to actually get out of bed and do something about it though. I don’t know what I would have done if my sister hadn’t thrown that bucket of ice water over my head." Chakotay grinned. "WHAT?"

"Bucket of ice water?"

"Yes. And it worked too."

"Listen, Kathryn. I’d make a horrible shrink, but just bear with me, okay? There is always an answer. You are never alone, and you don’t ever have to face anything alone. I’m always here for you, you should know that. I never have to know what’s wrong, just that you need me, and you’ll tell me what’s wrong if and when you want to. Suicide is not the answer. If you ever feel like this again, please. Come talk to me. Wether I’m on duty, or not, or you are or whatever. Find me. I’ll hold you, let you cry, and make sure you don’t. Kathryn, I can’t lose you, I love you too much, and I don’t know what I’d do with myself if you killed yourself." Now he was crying, along with me.

In between sobs, I manage to choke out a "Thank you," followed closely by an "I love you too."

And I did go to Chakotay several times after that. I’m not quite sure if the suicidal thoughts will ever completely be gone from my brain, but at least he’s helped me put them far enough away that they won’t come out whenever the chance arrives.

Depression is horrible. So does suicide. Yeah, it seemed like a good idea, at the time. But now that I really sit and think about it (both Chakotay and the Doctor have refused to let me back on duty for another 2 weeks), I had no idea how many people did care. I just thought that because I was the captain, I couldn’t go to anybody, and had to be strong for everyone who looked up to me, and wanted me to protect them.

I’m not all the way better now. I’m not even close. But I’m at least far away enough from the edge that Chakotay doesn’t have to sleep over here any more. I still want him to, though. I’m still afraid. Afraid that it might come back a third time. And they do say "Third time’s the charm." The charm to what? Actually succeeding? Or getting it to go away? I don’t know. And I don’t want to know. But I’m afraid that I could know.